Surviving Depression

Depression is a side effect of life
You can’t understand it
Until you can not stand your own presence
In an empty room.
You feel like someone else deserved your life
And not you
And you’d kill to be someone else
To be no one else.

It’s when everything
Seems to be exhausting you.
No matter how much sleep you get
Or how much coffee you drink
Or how long you lie down,
Something inside you
Seems to have given up
And you feel your soul is tired.

It isn’t always at 3am
Sometimes it hits you at 3pm
When you are with your friends
And you are halfway through a laugh.
On some days
You feel like you have been to hell
Met Satan
And given your soul away.

It’s like drowning
Except
You can see everyone else around you breathing.
There is no greater battle
Thank the fight to keep your sanity
The voices in your head need words
Their stories need to be told
Their screams need to be heard
Their pain demands to be felt.
Nothing fucks you up
More than your own thoughts
And there is no escape
How can you run away
From the things in your head?

Have you ever killed hope
In self defence?
Anxiety sucks.
You unintentionally make yourself sad
You feel alone
Even when you are not
And sometimes
You don’t even know what’s wrong.
Other times
You embrace the sadness
Because if you’re sad
You do not have to worry
About your happiness being taken away.
But most times
You are empty.
You can’t be sad when you’re empty
You can’t be anything.

You are a hazard to yourself
You self loathe
You know you are self destructing
You can feel it
But you don’t know how to stop it
And most times
You don’t even want to stop it.
You break yourself
So many times
Trying to fix other people
But no one ever sees
That you also need some mending.
Sometimes
You stare into nothingness
Feeling something between sadness and rage.

You always go through life
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
Because how can things be going so well for you?
There must be a catch.
The fact that the worst
Has already happened
Does not exclude the possibility
That the worst could recur
Or even indefinitely remain.
Sometimes
It is easier to live in the darkness
Because it makes it harder to see
All that you have lost.

Just know
You are not alone.
Everyone has had
Their dance with misfortune.
It’s okay to cry
It’s okay to feel shitty
About the shitty things in your life
It’s okay to hug yourself
And remind yourself
That it’s not your fault
That sometimes
Things happen the way they happen
And there is nothing any of us
Can do about it.
Dream
It’s the only thing that’s still free.
Follow your heart my darling
Do not lose your soul
Eventually all things will fall into place.
Until then
Laugh at the confusion
And live in the moment
Because cliché as it is
Life is short
And one day
Tomorrow you will die.

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